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A Moment of Weakness (Chapter 15)

Gabriel was a dick.

That was the first thing Dean thought when he landed in Montana. Or when he landed on top of Castiel, on the bed, in the master bedroom.

“Dean,” Castiel whispered as Dean’s elbows and knees dug into his chest and thighs. He was uncomfortable.

“Shit,” Dean said, trying to scramble off the bed. The first few attempts only made things worse. He ended up kneeing Castiel in the groin and flattening his nose with his palm. Dean settled for rolling off of Castiel and toward the nearest edge of the bed.

Dean jumped off the bed and stood in the open floor space. He had no idea what Gabriel expected them to do since they had the house to themselves. Well, actually, he knew what Gabriel expected, but Dean didn’t think there was a possibility of that happening.

That was until he felt himself pushed up against the nearest wall with Castiel’s hands on his cheeks and lips pressed to his.

Dean was surprised for half a split second before he reacted. He reached up and grabbed Castiel’s shirt and pulled him close so their bodies were touching from forehead to toe. He let Castiel take control of the kiss, following the angel’s, or human’s at that point, lead.

Dean felt Castiel through his jeans and pulled back to groan, and to catch his breath. He banged his head against the back of the wall behind him. He could not believe this was happening. He looked at Castiel who had his eyes wide and was fighting to get his breathing under control.

“I’m sorry.” When he saw Dean staring at him, his eyes dropped to the floor. “Was that not all right?”

“That was fine.” Dean took Castiel’s chin in hand and tilted his face up. He needed to see Castiel’s face. “Better than fine,” he reassured.

“All right.”

Dean grabbed Castiel’s shirt and crashed their lips together again. He needed the kiss. Even if it was just to make sure that Castiel was still alive. Feeling the other man’s lips pressed to his was convincing him.

Then he remembered what Castiel had done. He pushed Castiel away and glared at him. “Don’t you ever make that choice for me again.” He wasn’t mad. He just needed Castiel to think he was.

“I won’t promise that,” Castiel replied.

Dean knew that Castiel wouldn’t. But he needed to say that out loud so the next time something like this happened Dean would have a legitimate reason for being angry with him. But he couldn’t be angry right now. Right now, he was just relieved. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

He lifted up his shirt and showed Dean that there was no wound anymore. “I’m healed.” He knew that Dean still couldn’t process that he was standing before him alive and unharmed. “I may be bruised from you landing on me.”

Dean grabbed Castiel’s shirt and pulled it back down. He could not believe that Castiel had survived getting stabbed by an angel sword. “So, you want to explain to me the whole human thing?” He tried putting it together earlier, but his thoughts were racing then. He was calmer now.

“When I sent you here, I sent my grace with you.”


“It felt like the smartest thing to do at the time,” Castiel replied with a shrug. “I knew you’d protect it.”

“So, you were Belial this entire time as a human? How reckless can you be?” Dean asked. He threw a hand up to keep Castiel from talking. He couldn’t control the outburst, but as quick as it came, he was calming back down. “Okay. I’m cool,” he said, letting out a deep breath to relax. “Continue.”

“So when Belial stabbed me—”

“You stabbed yourself,” Dean interrupted.

Castiel rolled his eyes. “When I was stabbed, I was human. So the sigils had no effect on me. I was just injured from a stab wound. My grace wasn’t injured because you had it.”

“So, you knew something like this was going to happen,” Dean said.

“I had an inkling,” Castiel spoke slowly. He needed to choose his words correctly.

“And you still stabbed yourself?”

“I wasn’t planning on dying, Dean,” Castiel sighed. “I knew Michael or Gabriel would have been able to heal me.”

“And what if you stabbed yourself in the wrong place?”

“Dean, stop,” Castiel said. He knew it would take a lot of arguing and persuasion on his part for him to calm Dean down, but he needed to make his point. He couldn’t blame Dean for worrying, even though he didn’t want him to. He knew that no matter what he said, he would. “Just accept that I’m back, and I’m fine. Belial is dead, and I’m fine.”

“Good,” Dean sighed, grateful. He wanted to stay positive that they were able to fix one thing in the world, but Dean was cautious. He didn’t want to be so happy that when the next bad thing came flying their way they’d be caught off guard.

He looked up at Castiel and saw how much more at ease he was. He felt good that he could help the angel achieve that.

“Thank you,” Castiel said. “For what you’ve done.”

Dean shook his head. He didn’t deserve Castiel’s gratitude. “It’s not a big deal, Cas. It sort of pales in comparison to everything you’ve done for me.” Dean let out a shaky breath. He knew he would have to do a lot more to make it up to the angel. He would have said that to Castiel, but he knew that was one conversation that would be brought up many more times later. “Cas?” He decided that it was a good time to change the subject.

“Yes, Dean?”

Now that Castiel had given him an opening, he wasn’t sure if he was ready to go through with the conversation. He had trouble easing into it because he wasn’t good at being subtle. He was sure Castiel wouldn’t care for it either. He settled for being straightforward. He knew that would be a language Castiel would understand. “Missouri said that you love me.”

Castiel’s eyes widened and he felt all the color drain from his face. Never in all of his time as a human had he wished he had his wings back more than that moment. He wanted to run away, but he knew that Dean would be able to catch him. “I… I never told her.”

“I never tell her a lot of crap. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t know it.”

“Does that bother you?” Castiel asked. If it did, he wasn’t sure what he’d be able to do about it. He kept the option open of erasing this conversation from Dean’s memory once he had his powers back.

“No,” Dean answered.

“Not about Missouri. About me... loving you.”

“The answer’s still the same,” he said. He didn’t want Castiel to freak out. Dean was actually surprised that he wasn’t uneasy about it. A few years ago, hell, even months ago, he would have freaked out. But there was some comfort in knowing that Castiel was doing these things because he loved him and not out of orders or obligation. He wanted to shake the angel for being stupid enough to fall in love with him, but he wasn’t going to chastise the angel for feeling.

What scared him was that he was sure he’d start to feel the same way about Castiel.

“Dean?” Castiel said.

Dean blinked a couple of times. He didn’t know how long he had let his thoughts wander, but he knew it had to be for some time if Castiel had to bring him back. “You should sit down.” Dean grabbed Castiel’s wrist and led him to the bed.

“Where are you going?”

“I’ll be right back,” Dean replied as he headed to the door.


“I’ll be right back,” he repeated.

“Dean,” Castiel repeated. He hoped he didn’t scare Dean away. He got ready to stand back up.

Dean glared at the angel, forcing him to stay seated. “Cas, don’t move.” Then Dean thought about how the situation must have looked. Castiel had just given him as close to a declaration of love as he would ever give, and Dean was leaving him. “I’ll seriously be back in one minute.”

Castiel sighed and conceded. He knew that it would just be a waste of energy if he continued to argue. “Okay.”

“And don’t time me,” Dean said. Then he left Castiel alone in his room.

He left the room, trudged downstairs, and made his way to the last car that he put the trench coat in. He popped open the trunk. He saw a piece of tanned fabric and pulled at it until the trench coat was free. It had more wrinkles since the last time he looked at it.

He patted down the sides, unable to remember which pocket he put Castiel’s grace into. When he felt something in one of the pockets, he held it up to his face and could see the grace shining through the fabric. He reached into the pocket and took out the vial.

As soon as he touched it, he saw how the vial filled a little more. “Huh,” he said, believing Castiel’s story about him holding the remains of his grace. Once the vial was completely filled, he stuck it back into the pocket he pulled it from. He rolled the trench coat into a ball then slammed the trunk shut.

He headed back upstairs. He knew his minute was probably up.

He got back to his room and saw Castiel where he left him. He had to laugh. “You’ve been sitting this entire time?” He stepped into the room with Castiel’s coat hidden behind him.

“You told me not to move.”

Dean smiled. It disappeared just as quickly as it came when he realized what he was about to do. He brought his arm around and held the coat out in front of him. “Here.”

Castiel stared at the tanned bundle in Dean’s hand. He instantly knew what it was. “You kept my coat?” With a shaky hand, Castiel reached out and grabbed it.

Dean nodded once. “It felt wrong to just leave it in the reservoir.”

“Thank you,” he whispered. He shook it out and let it unfurl. “I remember the Leviathans pulling me out of the water and I wasn’t wearing it. Thank you,” he repeated. He held it out in front of him and stared at it, cataloguing all of the stains on it. “It’s sullied.”

“I didn’t wash it.”

Castiel lowered the coat to look at Dean, then he tilted his head. “Why not?”

Dean couldn’t tell him that if he washed it, it wouldn’t smell like him anymore. That would be a little too much. “I just couldn’t.” While Castiel stared at the front of his coat, Dean reached into a pocket and pulled out the vial. When he looked at it, it looked brighter than when he first put it away. It was hard to believe that everything that made Castiel an angel fit into such a little thing.

Castiel folded up his coat and saw Dean standing across from him, staring at something in his hand. “My grace,” he whispered. “You had it this entire time?” His tone wasn’t accusing.

Dean took it that way. “I wanted to give it back to you sooner, but—”

“I wouldn’t have accepted it,” Castiel said, softly. He needed to stop Dean’s apology and guilt before it started.

“That’s what your brothers said.” Dean stared at Castiel as he stared at his grace. “Here,” he said, holding the vial out to Castiel.

Castiel folded up the trench coat and tossed it onto the bed. With a shaky hand he took his grace from Dean. “Thank you.”

Dean watched as Castiel held it up in front of his face, inspecting it more closely. He stood in awe as the grace reacted when Castiel exhaled on the vial. Dean felt like he was intruding on something. “I’ll let you re-angelify yourself. Call me back when you’re done.”

“Dean, wait.”

Dean looked into Castiel’s eyes and saw that he didn’t want to be alone. “Or I can just close my eyes.”

“I don’t want it.”

“What do you mean you don’t want it?” Dean shouted. He wondered where the anger came from.

Castiel’s eyes widened at Dean yelling at him. He had no idea why Dean was so upset. Replaying the words in his head, he realized his mistake. “Not yet,” he added.

Dean sighed and calmed back down. He needed to teach Castiel how to choose his words better. “Why not?”

“I…” Castiel’s gaze fell to the floor, unable to look at Dean. “I want to enjoy being a human a little longer,” he whispered. He almost didn’t want Dean to hear what he said.

But Dean did. His eyes squinted at Castiel’s request. “Cas, the world is sort of falling apart right now.”

“We aren’t going to find a solution to the Leviathan problem tonight. I can guarantee that.” He knew that everyone wanted a short respite before they went back to search for a way to defeat the Leviathans. He felt they all needed it.

Dean nodded in agreement. He needed a couple of hours to process everything. By tomorrow, he’d hopefully be ready to set his attention back on the Leviathans. “Okay, so what human things did you want to enjoy?” he asked.

“I…” His cheeks warmed up and felt the heat spreading throughout his body. He looked up at Dean with wide eyes. He knew what he wanted, he just didn’t know how to ask for it. He hoped Dean would understand so he wouldn’t actually have to say it out loud.

Dean’s eyes widened back. Castiel couldn’t have been asking him to help him get his cherry popped. “I can order you a hooker.”

“Dean,” Castiel sighed. He was glad that Dean understood what he wanted, but he was disappointed that Dean didn’t realize who he wanted it to happen with. “I don’t… unless you don’t want—”

“No,” Dean said, shaking his head. He knew what Castiel was asking as soon as the words left his mouth, but he was hoping that he read it wrong. When he wasn’t, he became nervous. “It’s just… would it be appropriate?”

“I want it. You want it. Hopefully.”

Dean was ready to say that he wasn’t sure. That was a lie. The more he thought about it, the more he wanted it. He wasn’t sure if he could admit it. He wasn’t going to let Castiel know how much everything in him wanted them to be together. “Cas, you’re just saying that because you went through more than anyone should have to go through these last few weeks.”

“Dean, all I’ve felt these last few months was pain. I would like to feel some pleasure.”

“Cas,” Dean sighed. “You can’t.”

“Do you want to wait until I’m an angel again?”

“No,” Dean replied. “If you want your first time to be as a human, then your first time will be as a human. I’d feel less blasphemous too.” It’s weird enough for him to help Castiel lose his virginity, but if Castiel were an angel, he’d constantly walk around with the fear of God in him. He did not need that anxiety on top of everything else. “How… how far do you want to go?” He winced at his words. He could not believe that he was asking questions prior to them doing whatever they were going to do. He felt like this was the part before a porno where the directors interviewed the participants before they got down to the actual sex.

“However far you’re willing. I don’t really know how to go about this.”

“Damnit, Cas.” Of course Castiel would leave all the decision making to him. “No pressure on my part.” He began to come up with a game plan. He thought of ways to go about this so he didn’t hurt Castiel.

Castiel stared into Dean’s eyes. He tilted his head as he tried to read the expression on his face. “Dean,” he said when he figured it out.

Dean shook his head to pull him out of his daze. He saw that Castiel still had the ability to read his mind even without his grace. He could not believe he was so transparent. “Thinking, Cas.”

“Dean, you don’t have to treat me like glass.”

Dean’s thought immediately went X-rated. He imagined Castiel on the bed, writhing and moaning. He shivered at the thought of Castiel gasping his name. “Cas, don’t tell me that,” he whispered. He could feel his cheeks burn up at the prospect of pinning Castiel to the bed while he did whatever he wanted to him.


“Because at this moment, right now, we’re both not thinking straight.”

“I am,” Castiel sighed. “Dean, I almost died.” Not really, but Castiel was not above stretching the truth to get what he wanted from Dean.

“Exactly. We shouldn’t do this now. Come down from the near-death high.”

Castiel sighed. The more they kept putting it off, the more he was convinced that Dean didn’t want to go through with it. “Dean, we can find me a hooker.”

“No,” Dean said too quickly. “I mean about the hooker.” He could not believe this was getting him so flustered. “Okay. I… we’ll do this. Together. I can’t believe I’m deflowering an angel,” he mumbled as he ran a hand down his face. But the idea did excite him.

“I’m not an angel right now, Dean,” Castiel corrected. “I want to experience what you do.”

“Do you have any… preferences?” There were no words to describe how embarrassing this was.

“I want to see you.”

“Cas, that isn’t the most comfortable position for your first time.” That was assuming Castiel wanted to bottom.

“I want to see you,” Castiel repeated. He hadn’t had much time to think about the mechanics of sex and who or what went where, but he knew that he trusted Dean enough that he wanted to do it to this way. “Dean, I swear, I’m not going to break. Whatever you want.”

“This isn’t about me, Cas.” Of all moments Castiel had to put Dean first, this was not one of them. “This is supposed to be for you.”

“But you need to want it too.” He knew Dean cared about him, but he wanted this to mean something to both of them.

“Fuck,” Dean sighed. “I do, okay. I just…” He couldn’t even think of any excuses to dissuade Castiel to wait. He wanted Castiel. He had no idea why he was trying so hard to not.

“Okay, then I want you to stop treating me like I’m going to break when you touch me. I can handle it.”

Dean looked at Castiel and smirked. “I don’t know, Cas,” he said, scratching the back of his head. He thought about all of his previous encounters that he had with other sexual partners, and since Castiel was a virgin, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to handle everything they were about to do.

“I’ll never know until you do something.”

“You sure?”

Castiel nodded. “Make it memorable.”

Dean groaned. “You bastard,” he whispered.

Castiel’s eyes widened, scared that he said something wrong. “What did I do?”

“Stop saying things that make me want to jump your bones.”

Castiel squinted his eyes and tilted his head. “But if I stop, wouldn’t that be counterproductive to what I want?”

“No, no big words.” That was not how foreplay worked, if this was considered their foreplay.

“Dean, please tell me you want this.”

“I do, Cas, I do. I want this. I don’t think I could take it if you did this with someone else.” Dean reached up and cupped Castiel’s cheek. He brought their lips together for a soft kiss before Dean rested their foreheads together. He grabbed the hem of Castiel’s shirt. “You’re wearing too much clothes for this.”

“So are you,” Castiel replied.

“We’ll fix that,” Dean said, pulling Castiel’s shirt up and over his head. He tossed off to the side. He reached up and kissed Castiel again, walking forward. He kept walking until the back of Castiel’s legs hit the edge of the bed. He broke the kiss and pushed Castiel onto the bed.

Castiel scooted up the mattress and rested his head on the pillow. He watched Dean crawl into bed and settle between his legs.

“Dean, clothes?” Castiel asked. He remembered watching that movie with the pizzaman and babysitter. There wasn’t much clothes involved.

“We’ll lose the clothes when we need the clothes to be lost.”

Castiel reached up and pulled Dean’s lips to his. He kissed until they needed to breathe. He waited for Dean to pull away, since he was lying on the bed and had nowhere to escape. “No more talking.”

Dean could go along with that.

[Chapter 14]   [Masterpost]   [Chapter 16]


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 26th, 2012 10:27 pm (UTC)
Yay, they've finally reached the moment of truth and Dean's stopped fighting his feelings.

I'm glad Cas understood why Dean had looked after his grace without telling him and that he wants it back eventually. They get to have fun first, though :).

Feb. 28th, 2012 12:40 am (UTC)
Dean could only fight his feelings for so long.

The two of them deserve to have some fun first. They need it.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )